This week, I had my first voluntary sphincter contraction of the year. I was so excited I had to tell you all about it!
I’m telling you, if you never had issues like this before, there’s nothing like the feeling of knowing you need to go AND YOU DON’T HAVE TO RIGHT NOW! It’s very freeing. And although I’m not quite ready to trust it yet, this could be the start of something big.
I was sitting at the computer when the urge hit. Now experience I won’t go into here has taught me that when nature calls, I answer right away. So up I went, and started down the hall 30 feet away from the loo. To be honest, I thought I wasn’t going to make it.
My instinct took over, and gracefully grabbed ahold of the nerve path that runs from brain to groin and pulled the switch. VOILA! Crisis averted!
I stopped, mid-hallway dash, and marveled. A great grin crossed my face as I realized I was able to continue to the restroom At My Own Pace. What a relief!
(Actually, the relief was AFTER my visit to the toilet, but you get what I mean.)
I remember the last one vividly:
I was coming in from the car. I had just finished playing in Denver.
It was a dark and stormy n… no, I won’t go there. But you get the idea.
It was barely zero and the wind was howling.
Anyway, you know how it is. You get out of a warm car, stand up in the freezing cold, and suddenly your bladder says, “Remember me?”
So there I am, trying to adjust the rollator and my phone and wallet and keys realizing that I might not make it and pushing as fast as I can while my right leg spasms and locks pegleg straight so I have to swing my hip up to move it forward and trying not to fall on the snow frozen to the parking lot when it hits me:
I’m actively NOT peeing my pants. This, of course, is a good thing.
Somewhere in the brain, or the spinal cord possibly, is a lesion affording me only the most limited and spotty control of certain muscle groups. This was one of those times where it said, “Do whatcha gotta do.”
Just like a few mornings ago.
So why am I boring you with this?
I dunno… YOU’RE the one who read this far, ain’tcha?
But seriously… until this becomes a daily blog because my adoring fans just can’t get enough of me, it will have to wait for inspiration to strike. Which is usually when I’m feeling particularly down about my situation. And it has been pointed out to me that oftentimes my written legacy may not be so rosy as the personality I display in person – so much so that it seems that I tend to wallow in my own self pity.
But the truth of it is… I find a lot of what’s happening to me FUNNY. There’s a random element to it that I can appreciate, being a musician and being accustomed to improvising. That’s not to say that I’m totally comfortable in my own skin yet – my DX was just 18 months ago – but I’m getting better. I’m used to it; I’m not ashamed to bring the rollator where I’m going; I’m not worried about whether someone is going to stare or ask me funny questions.
I think I’ve done most of my grieving over this… and if you’ve read this far in my blogs, you’ve been party to it. I might be reaching acceptance sooner than I thought. That doesn’t mean I always have to be happy about it – that’d be ridiculous – but it does mean that I realize my life will go on, and that it will be FAR more interesting than most people’s for just this reason.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to NOT go to the bathroom…