Here’s how to have the same kind of “wake-up” call I did while performing one of the 4 S’s – the one you usually do sitting down with your underoos at your ankles. It’s really quite simple….

-Lean forwards as you normally would.

-Have your quads spasm so your legs tuck under the bowl up in the air.

-Go down on your knees with your underoos wrapped around your ankles.

-Have your quads spasm from the TOP of the thigh this time so your legs straighten out and shove your head under the rollator, whose wheels are now covered in kitty litter (just like you) because your cat was practicing his long-snapping skills overnight.

-THEN have your left quad only re-spasm and tuck your leg underneath so your legs are trying to tie themselves in a knot.

-Follow with entrance of cat giving you a disapproving look.

-Wait 5 minutes for everything to relax, then push your way back to your knees and do your best to clean up (because there’s no way you’re sitting on the stool again). Thank goodness for moistened Cottonelle!

-Push rollator against the wall opposite you, lock wheels, and attempt to stand up using several different arm/leg combinations and leverage points. Allow 5+ minutes for this step, all the while conisidering very seriously the LifeAlert system in your near future.

-Once finally on your feet + four wheels, flush, pull up underoos, get to powerchair and transfer. Take pulse (120!); consider the last time you were over 120 for any length of time and how much more fun you were having then. Wipe a tear from your eye as you marvel at how the years have passed (carefully – you need to get back and wash your hands).

-Go to internet and whine about it to all your friends. Lather, rinse, try not to repeat.

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